Trying to hold myself true

Alice inspired this post with one of her comments, she told me she thought I was already making my dreams come true, which got me thinking “I really hope I am”.

About 4 years ago I was told I probably -most likely- had breast cancer
It was not true but I started thinking about my life and what I was doing with it.

This drawing is from around that time, she’s my “Enana amarilla” (yellow dwarf)

I had very good reasons and a very long list of sensible excuses to put aside what was really important to me. 
I found out that the things I had valued and wanted as a child were the very same things that still held value to me and I deeply regretted not having the time to complete them.


I had wanted to learn to sing and dance but to dance I had waited too long, probably to sing too.
I had unfinished songs and poems.
I felt like I was leaving nothing “done” behind me, something that was valuable to me.

I also understood that values are a very personal thing and that I had strayed from mine too many years ago in pursuit of lofty goals for a greater good that were not my own and had lost myself in the process, I could hardly remember what it felt like to be me before religion or adulthood.

I also realized that dying was something I would do alone and that no one else could do it for or with me when it happened so in a similar fashion living should also be done by myself, and in an even more selfish sense it had to be done the way I valued the most. 

So I tried to rescue what I could of whom I used to be when I felt myself to be more creative and bursting with things to say and make. I’m still trying to remember how to make something from that place inside me.

And often I still need to stop and re-set my priorities, because everything else seems so more important than to draw or craft, specially being a single mom.

Trying to hold myself true | 2011 | art doll, artisan of whimsy, Blog, Handmade, life, not cancer story, rasamalai, reflections on things that must be done while alive, thoughts about life, thoughts when you think you’re dying

5 Comments

  1. Alice
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

    Claudia, gracias por la mención que haces de mi. Me emocionó mucho leer este post, las reflexiones que haces de la vida son tan valiosas y válidas para mi, no he tenido que enfrentar la dureza del anuncio de una enfermedad grave, pero la vida no ha sido fácil. Tuve a mis hijos muy joven y al poco tiempo, por una separación, criarlos sola. Madre soltera también las responsabilidades no dejan espacio para mirarse y ser la persona que soñé… poco a poco y ahora que los hijos están grandes estoy retomando ese camino, espero que el tiempo me alcance para sentirme realizada en la expresión de mi interior. Tu y tu arte son una inspiración para ello. La enana amarilla es una preciosidad, con tanta dulzura en los ojos que es un gusto mirar! Muchas gracias!!

  2. rasamalai
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 6:33 am | Permalink

    ¡Hola Alice! Te agradezco mucho tus visitas y tus comentarios, me entusiasma mucho leerlos :D
    Me alegra encontrar puntos de similitud en nuestras vidas y aspiraciones.
    Creo que nos inspiramos mutuamente, en cuanto tenga un huerto ¡me pongo a tejer hamacas para cuanta cosa lo admita!
    Por cierto que si el dibujo de tu lado de la mesa -en tu blog- es tuyo me parece fantástico, ojalá lo subas más grande para poder apreciarlo mejor.
    Un abrazo :)

  3. rasamalai
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 6:35 am | Permalink

    PD Gracias por tus comentarios sobre mi enana, es lo único mío que tengo enmarcado.

  4. Euterpe
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 8:13 am | Permalink

    Hi! Here a link to my music blog, I hope you like it. Thanks.!

  5. rasamalai
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

    Hi Euterpe! Thank you so much for the link.
    This is absolutely beautiful!:
    Schütz: SWV 290 (Pequeños Conciertos Sacros). Helmut Wittek: S; Bernhard Schmid: A.
    Thank you so much for sharing it, I'm in love with it!

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