thoughts about life

Trying to hold myself true

Alice inspired this post with one of her comments, she told me she thought I was already making my dreams come true, which got me thinking “I really hope I am”.

About 4 years ago I was told I probably -most likely- had breast cancer
It was not true but I started thinking about my life and what I was doing with it.

This drawing is from around that time, she’s my “Enana amarilla” (yellow dwarf)

I had very good reasons and a very long list of sensible excuses to put aside what was really important to me. 
I found out that the things I had valued and wanted as a child were the very same things that still held value to me and I deeply regretted not having the time to complete them.

I had wanted to learn to sing and dance but to dance I had waited too long, probably to sing too.
I had unfinished songs and poems.
I felt like I was leaving nothing “done” behind me, something that was valuable to me.

I also understood that values are a very personal thing and that I had strayed from mine too many years ago in pursuit of lofty goals for a greater good that were not my own and had lost myself in the process, I could hardly remember what it felt like to be me before religion or adulthood.

I also realized that dying was something I would do alone and that no one else could do it for or with me when it happened so in a similar fashion living should also be done by myself, and in an even more selfish sense it had to be done the way I valued the most. 

So I tried to rescue what I could of whom I used to be when I felt myself to be more creative and bursting with things to say and make. I’m still trying to remember how to make something from that place inside me.

And often I still need to stop and re-set my priorities, because everything else seems so more important than to draw or craft, specially being a single mom.

Also posted in art doll, artisan of whimsy, Blog, Handmade, life, not cancer story, rasamalai, reflections on things that must be done while alive, thoughts when you think you’re dying | 5 Comments